Obsession with perfection

This is a rough piece. This came to my mind find all of a sudden and I felt like writing a blog post over it.

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We are all obsessed with something or the other. And sometimes we don’t even realize it.

I am obsessed with a lot of things and then it kinda vanishes away. Like when I was around 10-11 I was obsessed with stamp collection and just a year earlier with fan fictions and etc etc. But I realized that there is this one obsession that never left me~The obsession with perfection. 

I tend to want things to be in an organized way but not all of them. There are some things I don’t care about like my study table which is filled with junk and my unfolded clothes. But when I see the same with others I get irritated. I can’t stand their clothes lying around or their books not kept in a neat pile. Isn’t this strange?

I had mini projects from third semester ( I am in 5th sem as of now) and we had to do make a complete documentation of our project. We worked in teams and when it came to making the documentation, I started to change every little thing. I couldn’t stand a single alphabet not being in the correct format or if an image was not properly placed. Even my code had to be properly indented ( You’d understand if you are a programmer ^_^ ). I realized this habit of mine in my next mini project when I slowly started to change what my teammate had written. I wanted things to be up to mark no matter if no one was going to read it. Even during events in college, if I have some other responsibility  I make it a point to keep a tab on publicity, posters and event management. I want everything to be perfect no matter how much I try not to care it’ll end up bothering me.

I have realized that sometimes this habit of mine irritates others and have been trying to bother less. I question myself why I prefer things around me to be so perfect when I am myself so imperfect. Is it my imperfections that lead me to want everything to be perfect? From my childhood to this day, I’ve been taunted both directly and indirectly a lot of times for a lot imperfections in me. I’ve both cried and stood up for myself. But there are a few things which I can never forget. I wonder if my mind has this obsession so that the people will see how perfect everything around me is.

In the end I do know we need to love ourselves and our imperfections and the fact that we are all perfect in our own way.

I just happen to remember these words of Marilyn Monroe (Nothing’s better than to end a post with a quote :D)

“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”

Run Out Of Words

Sometimes

I run out of words 

to express

the turbulent thoughts

raveling inside our minds,

the unexpected turn of

events in our life,

the burst of emotions

we deal with,

and the scare

of stopping to

read and write

because a life

without them would be

impossible  to live.

 

 

 

Raging Emotions

Ridha speaks her heart out…

I am losing the grasp of my emotions. I tend to cry often now. I think I am close to    someone I am not. I am making people uncomfortable with my words. They don’t understand it, they don’t understand me neither do they try.

They don’t know what I what. They think they know me. I know what I want. I knew what I want from a long time. I’ve been desperate to have it all this time and I don’t want to remain the same all my life.

Love is a million little things. They say love is immeasurable. But for me love is scarce. All I ask for is love from people around me. I crave for their affection not attention. Nevertheless no one has loved me the way I want to be loved. I long for conversations where we try to understand each other, smiles which come from heart and are not forced upon, willingness to hear how my day was and happiness to have me in life.

I might sound too emotional but these emotions have been clogging up my soul.

Is that too much to ask for?

I know I’ve done mistakes which I can’t undo. I know I’ve not been an ideal daughter or an ideal friend but I know my love for them is unconditional. I know I am worthy of a little love.I may not say it but  I am a broken person, trying to find solace in everything I can. Scared that my fear of leading a loveless life doesn’t kill me.

I don’t want to make someone to like me. Why can’t someone just love me for the sake of love and not because they have to? I wish I were the rose everyone would adore, not the thorn which is despised. It hurts even to think that someone you love don’t feel the same, but it kills when they say they wish they hadn’t had you in their life.

I’ve met some people sweet and lovely but I know they are those who’ll come and go. They won’t be there forever. I know it because a few of those people have come in life made a mark and then left. I miss them and would be delighted to know if they remember me  or at least picture me as a happy part of their life. Even today I have some people whose presence I cherish. All these people have lots of things in their life, they might not understand why this all is so important to me, why having long conversations or spending time together often is so precious for me. I don’t know if they value me as much as I value their presence but I  do know that I don’t want to lose what I have today for tomorrow. I want to carve the happy memories which are keeping me sane.

Ridah might be broken but her hope is not dead. She still has some hope left in her heart for a brighter life ahead. A life filled with love, unconditional love.                                      As the saying goes, Just because something isn’t happening for you right now, doesn’t mean that it will never happen.